Let Grief Run It’s Course

We don’t talk about grief enough. Even though it’s with us just the same as happiness. It’s with us in many ways more than it does happiness and joy. It can grip us and choke us. But also be gentle, and just settle on our shoulders throughout the day.

If we talked about it more people wouldn’t be so uncomfortable with it and we’d be able to let it run its course. We will be able to talk about it and share it. Maybe we’d be able to go through it quicker. So that shouldn’t be the main point. We shouldn’t force it through just to get over it, but we should be able to experience it in all its glory and pain. All of our emotions should be felt and felt through fully.

I have no shame in saying that the death of my dog was more painful than the death of my marriage. More because in my marriage, he helped tear it apart while I was still alive. My dog didn’t want to leave me. It ended quicker even though I saw it coming. And you still can’t completely prepare yourself for it. a death by 1000 cuts still hurts no matter what.

Some rolled their eyes at the sadness I felt. I still feel the death of “ just an animal“. I feel more insulted that too many thought I was incapable of that kind of love in the first place. They were more surprised that I even ever started dating, though they thought it was an insult that I was ever straight. I never saw the insult of being seen as a lesbian, so that jokes on them.

They were the ones missing out on something so pure as the companionship or something so loyal. The joy of running around in the woods. The fun of just rolling in the grass. I knew what it meant to truly relax with him. I never saw the meaning of pushing harder and faster for so many things in life because it really didn’t mean anything to him but spending time with those I cared for.

Every day the grief is lighter, but I don’t like that the memory of is not as strong with each day. I don’t remember his scent. Can only compare the feel of other dogs for not being right to his. I look to his usual spots a little less every day. certain sounds around the house are associated with him fewer and fewer. You want to hold on to grief a little longer because you feel like you are holding on to them too. 

Even in my marriage, I am more in the little things. The little touches that we used to do. Asking for his opinion about the food I make. Wanting to tell him about a new place to try. A book we could share together. It’s never about the big things. You get starved for attention, you get starved for touch.

In time and nostalgia, I try not to let it soften the edges. In my need to still feel connected to him was to reach out to my ex. Since he was the one who I spent the most time with Enzo for the first almost 10 years of his life. But I don't because he decided not to be part of his last 3 years. I didn't open that door just to give him a leg in when he needed him the most. He cared too much about being right than doing right.

So I'll keep my memories close. Going through a few videos I actually remembered to take. But also the hundreds of photos I will cherish. Allowing the grief to slowly fade but always be carried with me. But be added to over time because I will get another dog someday and their life will sadly end too soon.